Christmas 2006

Christmas 2006 - At times that seems so Science Fiction. Remember when 2001 Space Odyssey was so far in the future. Well we have surpassed that and are on our way to 2007. I just want to say that 2006 has been a year marked by tremendous growth for me. Growth in the love I have for my family, my love of my co-workers, my love of my friends old ones and some very new and dear ones. God has truly blessed me during this past year. I do not even look at the turmoil - just the joy and the blessings. Most of all there has been a huge growth spurt in my love and the desire to know all I can about God.
I was reading this morning and God really spoke to me. The question was posed "Have I allowed my personal life to become a Bethlehem for the birth of Jesus Christ?" At first my response was "Sure". Then I looked a little deeper. Does my personal life just allow Him to enter the city or do I provide Him a place to be born in the heart of things? Does my life keep Him in the stable or does it let Him in the main house? I think for myself I have kept Him in the stable. I allowed Jesus to enter my life but it is in the stable of my life - the outskirts not the very essence, not the center of my life. He is in the stable where I know that He is there and I can go to Him when I need to.
Do I really want to clean out the main house and let Him have His choice of rooms, or the whole house if He wants? What a question to be answered honestly.
What would I have to remove, what rooms would need to be vacated and by what and whom? Am I ready to evict guests and habits and desires that were welcomed at one time in my life but are no longer contributing to my personal growth? Am I ready to bring Him in from the stable to take up residence in the center of my life? Do I want to continue to provide a stable to house Him, to provide a place for me to keep Him until I need Him or do I want Him with me all the time?
I know that this past year I have spent many an hour is the stable, (when I was not in the trunk)and I am tired and empty from the walk from the main house to the stable. I know it is time for the stable to come inside the main house. I am very excited to see what He has planned for my life and those I love.
I send heartfelt wishes and prayers to all of those I hold dear - family, friends, fellow trunkdwellers - all the people God has put into my life. May God bless you in 2007 and may He draw you into the place on His lap that is for you alone. May this be the year of no more stables - just Main Houses.
God Bless you all more and more,
em

The Funeral

Beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own Independence.

I read these words a couple of days ago in my Oswald Chambers devotional. At first they seemed a little strange but they stuck with me. “The funeral of my own Independence” catchy little phrase. Wonder who this is supposed to be for. Show me who needs to get this message. Then the same night I went to service and the pastor talked about not getting what you want. How sometimes you ask God for something and you get something else and you think – Wait a minute – this is not what I asked for.
That is when Holy Spirit light bulbs started going off like crazy. I had asked God for so long to use me. To put me where He wanted and needed me to be. I wanted to be a part of what was going on; I want to make a difference for Him. He did just that but it was not what I wanted and certainly not WHERE I wanted it to be. I did not want to be in the geographical location I was in. I did not want to be doing the bookkeeping any more because I did not understand what I was doing. I was certainly was working outside of the gifting God had given me.
I hung in there because I knew God was doing this for a reason. I thought in my little brain that it was most certainly for the benefit of someone else. Certainly it was not for MOI! I even convinced myself that I was just holding the spot for someone else. I was such an admirable servant. Things got bad, really bad and I was miserable. I could not understand what was going on, where was the purpose in all of this. Oh God help me. I did not ask for this. I do not want to be here doing what I am doing. I want to be where I was before, working with the programs, being with the people, talking and helping encourage the directors, not stuck in a little hole somewhere being with numbers all day long. God, please hurry and teach your lesson and let’s get on with the plan. The plans to give me the desires of my heart, the plans to prosper me not harm me.
When I came face to face to what God was doing it was so painful. I was seeing the side of me that God was seeing – the inside of my heart. Boy was it ugly. In my prideful state I had opened my heart and let UGLY come in. And come in it did. I was so self- righteous, so indignant, and so prideful and most of all defiant, it was humiliating. I never would have considered myself a prideful person, a person that was all about themselves and no one else. I was the type of person that I did not like. I think that is what hurt the most.
Never would I have faced up to that particular aspect of my personality had it not been for the journey I went on. I would have never seen the forest for the trees. I thank God for showing me what I was becoming. I thank God for NOT giving me what I wanted but for giving me what I needed. I thank God for speaking into my life through friends, pastors, and leaders. I thank my family for going on this journey with me as unwilling passengers but because they love me they did not jump ship. I pray that I would be so faithful if the situation should ever be reversed.
Only when I “Attended the funeral of my own independence” did I see and experience what God was doing. Only when I got to the point of desperation did I see what God had been trying to show me all along. Do not submit to ME with your actions only – I want your heart as well. Only when I have your heart will I have all of you. The funeral was heart breaking but so necessary. I must say that I am still at the graveside – the shovelfuls of dirt are still being thrown over the casket but with the help of God and the angels He is sending all the time, it will be buried.
em

Coming to a Close

Wow! December 2, 2006 already. Hard to believe that this year is almost over. When I think that it is 2006 that sounds so Sci-Fi. Remember 2001 Space Odyssey. Well we have survived and surpassed that. Anyway I was asked to partake in a panel discussion on Monday night (coming not past). The topic is supposed to be the funniest Christmas ever. There are a couple of ones that come to mind but I would have to say the one that comes to mind was about 23 years ago.
As Christmas would approach I would take great pride in wrapping presents and putting them under the tree as I would get them. As the children grew older and could read the names on the packages they would take delight in seeing how many they had. They would make stacks, organize them into sections according to who the recipient was (not going to say which child would spearhead this one but if you recognize yourself I love ya). Now I am the type of person who will wrap every little thing by itself. Some stacks were quite large but it is the thought that counts RIGHT! Try to explain that to a child while they see their siblings stack growing larger and theirs not. Try to keep the financial aspects out of it as well (Yours stack is smaller because your presents cost more - his is just full of little junkie things. Sure they understand.) Anyway one year I decided that I had missed the boat on teaching thankfulness and gratitude. There had been too much emphasis on how big the stack was in past years so this particular year I decided I would wrap the gifts and not put names on them. I would put numbers on them and I would have the master list. Awesome idea. It was gonna be great.
We loaded up the car and drove to Alexandria to celebrate Christmas with my family. We had everything we needed, the food I was assigned to make, clothes for church, numbered gifts and off we went. Christmas eve came and time to distribute the gifts. (I come from a family of five and there were 18 grandchildren plus the patriarchs of the clan - quite a crowd - 35 plus people).Only when the first gift was handed out did I realize I could not find my master list. At first I panicked. What was I gonna do? Then I really thought I could remember what was in the package - after all I was the one who wrapped them. No problem.
Santa held up a gift with no name - Just a number. I said "Oh that is for Papa Joe." Whew - what a relief I remembered. Imagine Papa Joe's confusion when he got a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Not to be outdone by a 6 year old little girl getting a size large printed house coat with a matching pair of slippers, and a 9 year old boy getting an Old Spice Shaving brush complete with the mug of shaving soap. Confusion was the name of the game now.
The only thing to do was to give everyone a gift to open, then I had to take a look at it and take it from the person that opened it and give it to the person for whom it was intended. I am sure there was a lesson here somewhere but after all these years the one I learned is that the presents do not go under the tree until Christmas Eve.
How about you guys out there? Any funny or memorable stories.
em

Thanksgiving 2006

It is so strange realize that 2006 is almost over. This past year has seen its share of changes and tremedous growth for me. My daughter was in for about a week from the east coast area and it was a nice visit although most of her time was spent studying. We were able to have a couple of hours of uninterrupted time to talk about some of the things going on in our lives that were putting walls up. She is a grown woman (almost 30 years old) and it is hard for her to understand that no matter how old she gets there is something that is called a mother's heart that us mothers can not just turn off. She is not married and has no children so she has no idea what it is - I pray one day she will be blessed with one.
If you link on her blog www.wonl.blogspot.com (in my list of links as Laura) she shows Thanksgiving down south. Truthfully we did not have deer horns for thanksgiving dinner but they were boiling on my stove. Yes the day I had a new maid come to clean for the first time she entered my house to find three adults at home as well as one set of deer horns in the pot and one waiting to be boiled. Hope she comes back.
Speaking of maids - I used to have a wonderful girl that came every two weeks. When I say great she was awesome - did blinds, light fixtures, everything (things I did not even do). Do not know what happened to her she just fell off the face of the earth. It was not just me because someone else that used her could not get in touch with her. Anyway I have been kinda looking for a replacement for a while.
A friend of one of my sons has a mother that cleans houses. I thought "Oh well How bad can she be? I will give her a try." NEVER NEVER NEVER DO THAT. She got there at 8:30 a.m. At 1:30 she called to ask how to put the vacuum cleaner together - I was a little surprised but thought she saved the vacuuming for last. Then 30 minutes later she called to see if she could come back the next day to FINISH up - I said sure and she said o.k it will be another $35.00. I thought Boy my house is gonna sparkle The $85.00 I paid her for today and the $35.00 for tomorrow - Awesome. (this was very good because she was going to have my house sparkling- I was going out of town for the weekend and I had a meeting at my house on Sunday night - no problem my house was gonna be $125.00 worth of clean RIGHT!!!!!)
My son called before I got home to ask if the maid had come. Yeah - right I am not falling for that. I am going to walk into a clean house and it will be great. He is such a jokester anyway. This time he was not joking. When I say that I could not tell she had come I am not joking. The newspaper from the morning was still on the table. The vegetable bin I left out on the counter with a request she clean the bottom of the refrigerator was still where I left it. The dog hair was still all over the floor but she did not know how to put the vacuum cleaner together. The rest of the rooms must be clean. As I walked through the rest of the house I was so depressed. The only room that had any evidence of someone being in it was my bathroom - It is large but not $85.00 and 5 hours worth of large. The counter tops were not even cleaned. I was in a state of shock.
I called her to tell her not to come the next day - that took a lot of coaxing from family members. She was so surprised I was not pleased. Anyway I toyed with the idea of having my Sunday night meeting in my bathroom but just decided to keep the lights on dim light candles instead. So imagine my fear when I decided to try another one - this time I had references which I actually called. Glowing reports - Maybe this one is gonna be a keeper. She did a great job. I just hope the deer horns on the stove did not scare her off. We will see in two weeks.
I always have a fall back. My husband who plans on retiring in March says he will be glad to clean for $85.00 a room - so just in case......
em

Staying Afloat

I know it has been quite a while since I last blogged. I have been on such a learning curve lately that I feel as though I am skipping grades one minute and then the next miniute I realize that I need to be in remedial classes. I can not say that there has been a drastic change in my life that erases what had me in the funk I was in. I will say that I have prayed like I have never prayed before. I prayed BOLDLY - which if you know me at all you know there is not too much about me that is bold.
I KNOW in my heart and with every fiber of my being that I am not where God plans on using me in HIS projects to work in my giftings. I am where I am for a reason, for sure but it is not the ultimate place where God is going to use me. Maybe a testing period, maybe a stretching period, maybe even just a period of holding the spot for that other person HE will place where I am - I am just keeping their seat warm. All I know is that HE is going to move me to a new place and it will be all about him.
I know that the gift of compassion He has given me will be utilized in ways I have never thought of - ways that will bring HIM the glory. The gift of empathy He has blessed me with will come into play in my life and what God wants me to do.
I have a sense of impending change, I think HE has picked up the rope of the life ring that was tossed my way and He is slowly pulling me ashore.
I do want to thank my friends who have been in this with me in their prayers. You know who you are. I am so blessed to have friends who will pray for me - friends who sense things are rough and do not call because they know I will cry but just silently pray for me. The friends who do call and let me unload and vent and do not minimize but validate me. The friends who are bold in their prayers and who can see the whole picture. Friends who will tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. I thank you and honor you. I cherish your friendship.
I can see the shoreline on the horizon. I am just hanging on and STAYING AFLOAT.
See ya on land
em

Sink or Swim

I have really been in a precarious place lately. Have you ever been at a place in your life where you feel like you are in a pool of water? You are drowning and there are people all around. They are standing at the edge of the pool all talking and having a wonderful time. You are drowning and they are having a wonderful time.
I do not make a big loud scene or splash a lot. (sometimes I know I take operating in obscurity to the extreme but that is me). I keep waiting for someone to throw me a life ring. No one does. I just keep struggling to stay afloat - I succeed but just barely. Sometimes I go under but I eventually struggle back to the top.
I finally get enough courage to call out and ask for help. Someone turns around and sees me. Instead of the life ring in his hands he throws me a verbal life ring. Lot of good that does a drowning person - I need something to hold on to, I need something to support me, however I reach for the words and they just slip through my fingers. I know they mean well but I know my limitations and I can not swim. Some people do not realize that not everyone can swim - some of us are scared of the water, do not like water, never learned how to swim. Whatever the reason it is not a character flaw it is just the reality of the moment.The "You can do it "statements and the "You are doing a good job, just hang in there" only make matters worse. Besides drowning you begin to feel you are letting others down by your inability to swim.
Finally someone throws me a life ring. All is good with the world or so they think. Maybe just to get rid of it in their hands or just to quiet the waters. But the life ring has a rope so someone can pull from the safe ground. As I wait for someone to pick it up it slowly sinks to the bottom of the pool. They do not hear the hissing coming from the help ring - it has a hole in it. It is slowly losing its air - its ability to help. Pretty soon I will be just where I was before.
Great - My life ring has a hole in it and the rope is at the bottom of the pool. What do I do now?
God has a way of bringing back to us things that we may have told other people. As I was reading yesterday morning - October 13- Oswald Chambers was writing about discouragement and personal growth. (I have begun reading the Bible from the beginning again. I had just started on Exodus.) Then Oswald is talking about Moses. I figured I may just find a nugget from the only Lifesaver I can really count on - and there it was. "If you are going through a time of discouragement there is a time of great personal growth ahead."He went on to discuss how Moses went through a time of discouragement and spent 40 years in the dessert. I pray I do not have to wait 40 years (I would probably be the oldest person in my workplace) but out of that discouragement something great was orchestratede. If Moses waited for 40 years I guess I can hold on a little longer. I have grabbed hold of that life ring and I will stay afloat. I will continue to tread water. He will plug the hole, or take the rope and pull me to higher ground, or give the rope to someone He chooses. He will change my situation or change me or hey maybe both.
I have no airtank in my trunk so I guess I will have to stay out on this one.
em

It Doesn't Get any Better!!!

Today is Monday and we have been visiting our son and grandchildren since Saturday. (wife out of town - I am sure he could have handled it just fine but it was a great excuse to come)What a treat. At the moment granddaughter #1 is eating her second GLASS of organic frosted flakes and milk. Not a bowl but a glass. She was in her pretty pink princess dress but did not want to get it dirty so it is on the floor beside the table. Granddaughter #2 is sacked out on the floor.
We rode bikes to the park this morning - well not really rode. Pops rode the bike with the little trailer thing that J (#2) rode in and I rode a bike and AM (#1) rode her bike. It has training wheels that would work themselves loose and cause her to have to ride lopsided and eventually fall. So we would periodically stop and tighten the nut and proceed. It was real slow going because her parents have taught her that you have to stop at every corner incase a car is coming. Very wise parents. No complaining here. AM brings this to a new level. She begins to slow down as soon as the corner comes into sight -usually pretty soon after we have just got going from the last corner. The comlete stop usually occurs about 100-150 yards from the corner. No Problem - I have nowhere to go. Very cautions littl angel.
The best part was riding behind her and just watching. She is 3.5 years old and truly lives in her own little world. She was all dressed up in her pretty little skirt, cute somewhat matching shirt and her PINK zip up the side Cowgirl boots riding on her pretty pink Barbie Princess bike with the iriscident tassles on the handle bars. The whole time we rode she sang and sang and looked all around and just had a good old time. Just a happy little girl out for a bike ride enjoying the scenery. From behing all I could see was that little head shaking back and forth and tilting backward as she belted out her song which had no verse or chorus. I believe it was a song describibg everything she was seeing at the moment. Oh to be so happy and uninhibited.
To be a grandparent is one of the most awesome blessings that could happen. (I wish my parents woud have realized that while they were still here.) I have memories of my childhood with the grandparents that were alive but nothing that screams LOVE of FUN.I hope my grandchildren remember me differently. I want to have fun and show unconditional love to them. I want them to feel that the world is theirs for the taking. I have faith in my son and his wife to raise their children with good values and morals, good work ethics and all of the things necessary to lead GOOD lives, good for themselves and for others. His job is to raise them not mine. I know I am fortunate to be in this position and I thank God that I do not have the responsibility of raising my Grandchildren but if ever the day would come that I would need to step up and do so I belive I would. I applaude those of you that have had to come to the rescue of your grandchildren for one reason or another. What a blessing that is in itself. Blessings come in all different sizes, shapes and at different times. My husband and I just bask in the greatest blessings there could ever be.
Lets hear it from all you grandparents out there.