The Funeral
Beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own Independence.
I read these words a couple of days ago in my Oswald Chambers devotional. At first they seemed a little strange but they stuck with me. “The funeral of my own Independence” catchy little phrase. Wonder who this is supposed to be for. Show me who needs to get this message. Then the same night I went to service and the pastor talked about not getting what you want. How sometimes you ask God for something and you get something else and you think – Wait a minute – this is not what I asked for.
That is when Holy Spirit light bulbs started going off like crazy. I had asked God for so long to use me. To put me where He wanted and needed me to be. I wanted to be a part of what was going on; I want to make a difference for Him. He did just that but it was not what I wanted and certainly not WHERE I wanted it to be. I did not want to be in the geographical location I was in. I did not want to be doing the bookkeeping any more because I did not understand what I was doing. I was certainly was working outside of the gifting God had given me.
I hung in there because I knew God was doing this for a reason. I thought in my little brain that it was most certainly for the benefit of someone else. Certainly it was not for MOI! I even convinced myself that I was just holding the spot for someone else. I was such an admirable servant. Things got bad, really bad and I was miserable. I could not understand what was going on, where was the purpose in all of this. Oh God help me. I did not ask for this. I do not want to be here doing what I am doing. I want to be where I was before, working with the programs, being with the people, talking and helping encourage the directors, not stuck in a little hole somewhere being with numbers all day long. God, please hurry and teach your lesson and let’s get on with the plan. The plans to give me the desires of my heart, the plans to prosper me not harm me.
When I came face to face to what God was doing it was so painful. I was seeing the side of me that God was seeing – the inside of my heart. Boy was it ugly. In my prideful state I had opened my heart and let UGLY come in. And come in it did. I was so self- righteous, so indignant, and so prideful and most of all defiant, it was humiliating. I never would have considered myself a prideful person, a person that was all about themselves and no one else. I was the type of person that I did not like. I think that is what hurt the most.
Never would I have faced up to that particular aspect of my personality had it not been for the journey I went on. I would have never seen the forest for the trees. I thank God for showing me what I was becoming. I thank God for NOT giving me what I wanted but for giving me what I needed. I thank God for speaking into my life through friends, pastors, and leaders. I thank my family for going on this journey with me as unwilling passengers but because they love me they did not jump ship. I pray that I would be so faithful if the situation should ever be reversed.
Only when I “Attended the funeral of my own independence” did I see and experience what God was doing. Only when I got to the point of desperation did I see what God had been trying to show me all along. Do not submit to ME with your actions only – I want your heart as well. Only when I have your heart will I have all of you. The funeral was heart breaking but so necessary. I must say that I am still at the graveside – the shovelfuls of dirt are still being thrown over the casket but with the help of God and the angels He is sending all the time, it will be buried.
em
I read these words a couple of days ago in my Oswald Chambers devotional. At first they seemed a little strange but they stuck with me. “The funeral of my own Independence” catchy little phrase. Wonder who this is supposed to be for. Show me who needs to get this message. Then the same night I went to service and the pastor talked about not getting what you want. How sometimes you ask God for something and you get something else and you think – Wait a minute – this is not what I asked for.
That is when Holy Spirit light bulbs started going off like crazy. I had asked God for so long to use me. To put me where He wanted and needed me to be. I wanted to be a part of what was going on; I want to make a difference for Him. He did just that but it was not what I wanted and certainly not WHERE I wanted it to be. I did not want to be in the geographical location I was in. I did not want to be doing the bookkeeping any more because I did not understand what I was doing. I was certainly was working outside of the gifting God had given me.
I hung in there because I knew God was doing this for a reason. I thought in my little brain that it was most certainly for the benefit of someone else. Certainly it was not for MOI! I even convinced myself that I was just holding the spot for someone else. I was such an admirable servant. Things got bad, really bad and I was miserable. I could not understand what was going on, where was the purpose in all of this. Oh God help me. I did not ask for this. I do not want to be here doing what I am doing. I want to be where I was before, working with the programs, being with the people, talking and helping encourage the directors, not stuck in a little hole somewhere being with numbers all day long. God, please hurry and teach your lesson and let’s get on with the plan. The plans to give me the desires of my heart, the plans to prosper me not harm me.
When I came face to face to what God was doing it was so painful. I was seeing the side of me that God was seeing – the inside of my heart. Boy was it ugly. In my prideful state I had opened my heart and let UGLY come in. And come in it did. I was so self- righteous, so indignant, and so prideful and most of all defiant, it was humiliating. I never would have considered myself a prideful person, a person that was all about themselves and no one else. I was the type of person that I did not like. I think that is what hurt the most.
Never would I have faced up to that particular aspect of my personality had it not been for the journey I went on. I would have never seen the forest for the trees. I thank God for showing me what I was becoming. I thank God for NOT giving me what I wanted but for giving me what I needed. I thank God for speaking into my life through friends, pastors, and leaders. I thank my family for going on this journey with me as unwilling passengers but because they love me they did not jump ship. I pray that I would be so faithful if the situation should ever be reversed.
Only when I “Attended the funeral of my own independence” did I see and experience what God was doing. Only when I got to the point of desperation did I see what God had been trying to show me all along. Do not submit to ME with your actions only – I want your heart as well. Only when I have your heart will I have all of you. The funeral was heart breaking but so necessary. I must say that I am still at the graveside – the shovelfuls of dirt are still being thrown over the casket but with the help of God and the angels He is sending all the time, it will be buried.
em
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